Self-love, It’s a phrase that gets thrown around so much these days, often with the expectation that we can just wake up one morning and magically start loving ourselves. But for so many of us, this ideal seems not only unattainable but downright confusing. How are we supposed to love ourselves when we’re constantly dealing with feelings of inadequacy, failure, or comparison?
For years, I struggled with this. I believed I should love myself, but I couldn’t quite grasp what that meant. Whenever I tried to follow the advice out there about “loving yourself first,” it felt like an impossible task—especially on days when life wasn’t going so well, and self-love seemed as far away as the moon. It wasn’t until I began to rethink what self-love truly meant that things started to shift. I realised that we don’t need a romanticized version of self-love; we need something practical, something that helps us when we’re struggling, not just when we’re on top of the world.
In my yoga classes and coaching sessions, one of the most common themes I hear from women is the struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. As a yoga teacher, breathwork guide, and meditation teacher, I’ve learned that these practices offer powerful ways to reconnect with ourselves on a deeper level. But sometimes, even with all these tools, it’s hard to feel that sense of self-love we’re told to cultivate. This is where rethinking self-love becomes crucial.
In this blog, I want to explore how we can rebrand self-love from a lofty ideal into a daily practice. I’ll share how viewing self-love as an action, rather than a feeling, can change everything—and how it’s time we leave behind the unattainable “just love yourself” advice for something far more practical and sustainable.
The Problem with Romanticizing Self-Love
Most of us approach self-love as if it’s this elusive feeling we need to chase down and possess. We’re told to “fall in love with ourselves,” and the idea is often presented in the same way as romantic love—passionate, all-encompassing, and unconditional.
Life can throw a lot of challenges at us: losing a loved one, struggling in making enough money, feeling overwhelmed by our to do lists, or battling inner insecurities that linger from childhood. On those days, it’s nearly impossible to muster up feelings of self-love, especially when we can barely muster up the energy to go to the gym. When self-love is framed in such a romanticized way, it becomes one more thing we feel we’re failing at. This sets up a cycle of guilt and frustration, and it alienates us from the very concept of self-love.
Reframing Self-Love as a Verb
The shift for me happened when I started seeing self-love not as a feeling but as an action. Instead of worrying about whether I “loved” myself on any given day, I began focusing on how I was treating myself. Was I being kind? Was I taking care of myself? Was I standing up for myself when necessary?
Self-love, when we get down to it, isn’t about some grand, sweeping emotion. It’s about the daily choices we make to care for, nurture, and support ourselves—even when we don’t feel particularly lovable.
Let’s think about self-love the way we might think about caring for a child. Imagine a parent being asked why they love their child. The answer usually isn’t a list of qualities or achievements that make the child worthy of love. Instead, the parent will likely say something like, “Because they’re my child.” There’s an inherent worth in the relationship, not dependent on conditions. Same with our pets we just love them.
We need to start seeing ourselves the same way. Self-love isn’t something we need to prove or earn; it’s something we do. It’s the way we take care of our physical and emotional needs, the way we speak to ourselves when things go wrong, the way we invest in our own growth and well-being.
The Action Plan: Self-Love in Practice
Now that we’ve reframed self-love as a verb, the next question is: what does it look like in practice? Here are some actionable steps to start cultivating a daily practice of self-love.
1. Set Boundaries
One of the most loving things you can do for yourself is to set boundaries. Whether it’s in your relationships, your work, or even with your own expectations, boundaries are a way of protecting your time, energy, and wellbeing. It can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing, but setting boundaries is a powerful way to show yourself that your needs matter.
When you set a boundary, you’re essentially saying to yourself, “I am worthy of respect, and I am going to protect my peace.” This can be anything from saying no to extra work when you’re already overwhelmed, to taking time off social media when it becomes too toxic.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
When things go wrong, we’re often our own harshest critics. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Instead of beating yourself up for making a mistake, try speaking to yourself in a gentle, forgiving way. Self- Compassion is at the heart of our Yoga teachings, one of the foundational Yamas in Yoga philosophy is Ahimsa, which emphasises kindness and compassion towards oneself and others. We learn through Yoga to treat ourselves gently, especially in moments of struggle, avoiding harsh self-criticism. Cultivating through our Yoga practice a kind inner dialog, honouring our limits without judgments as much as possible.
3. Invest in Your Well-Being
Self-love is about more than bubble baths and candles (though those can be part of it, too). It’s about actively investing in your well-being, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. This means getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, moving your body, and taking time to rest when needed. It also means caring for your emotional and mental health—whether that’s through coaching, therapy, mindfulness practices, or reading self help books. Finding inner peace through walks in nature, meditation, prayer, quiet reflection connecting to a higher a power in a way that feels right for you.
Taking care of yourself isn’t indulgent; it’s essential. When you invest in your own well-being, you’re telling yourself that you matter, and that your health and happiness are worth the effort. When we recharge our own batteries we have more energy and love to give other people.
In my coaching sessions—whether in person at Neal’s Yard in Cheltenham or via Zoom—I help women work through these steps, particularly around issues of self-esteem and self-worth. Through a combination of breathwork, meditation, and practical coaching tools, we work together to nurture that relationship with yourself. The aim is not perfection, but progress.
4. Stand Up for Yourself
How often do we let others walk all over us or fail to advocate for our own needs? Part of self-love is standing up for yourself, whether that’s in your relationships, at work, or even in conversations with friends. Standing up for yourself can be as simple as expressing your feelings when someone hurts you, asking for a raise when you deserve one, or not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. It’s about owning your worth and refusing to settle for less than you deserve.
5. Celebrate Your Wins
We’re often quick to dismiss our achievements, either because we think they’re not “big enough” or because we’re already focused on the next goal. But self-love means recognising and celebrating your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s finishing a project at work, completing a workout, or simply making it through a tough day, take a moment to acknowledge your efforts.
When you celebrate your wins, you’re reinforcing the message that you’re capable, resilient, and worthy of praise. This isn’t about arrogance or inflated ego; it’s about giving yourself credit for the hard work you’ve done.
6. Be Patient with Yourself
Self-love is a lifelong journey, not a one-time epiphany. There will be days when you feel great about yourself and days when you struggle. The key is to be patient with yourself, recognising that growth takes time and setbacks are part of the process.
When you’re feeling low, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel that way. You don’t have to have everything figured out, and you don’t have to love every part of yourself all the time. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, even on the hard days.
Moving Beyond the “Self-Love” Advice
It’s easy to feel cynical about self-love, especially when it’s presented in oversimplified, Instagrammable quotes. But real self-love isn’t about plastering a smile on your face or forcing yourself to feel good when you don’t. It’s about showing up for yourself, day in and day out, in small but meaningful ways.
By reframing self-love as an action rather than a feeling, we can move beyond the tired clichés and start building a more authentic relationship with ourselves. It’s not about perfection, and it’s certainly not about waiting until you “feel” worthy. It’s about taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, and treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve—even on the days when you feel like a mess.
Through my coaching practice, I guide women on this journey, using tools like E.F.T, breathwork, meditation, and self-awareness to build resilience and nurture self-esteem. Whether you join me for a session at Neals Yard in Cheltenham or on Zoom, the aim is to develop a sustainable, actionable self-love practice that aligns with your unique path.
So the next time you hear someone tell you to “just love yourself,” know that it’s okay if that doesn’t resonate with you. Instead, focus on what you can do, right now, to show yourself love. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present for yourself in the moments that matter.
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